Always and Forever
by laurapreponfan
Summary: Vauseman A/U. If you were given the chance to do it all over again, how would you do it?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

Okay, this was supposed to be a one long ass one-shot but I've just been losing interest in writing lately that I decided to just post this. I'm not sure when the next part is gonna be, or if I even have the energy to continue this but if you think I should, you can let me know.

And by the way, I'm sorry to those reading Shattered. I have not abandoned that, I just really have no idea when I can post the new chapter. For now, enjoy this little something. =)

-o-o-o-

Do you always wonder about the day when you'd wake up to your life flashing right in front of you and everything just totally changed? That day was today in Piper Chapman's life. Piper knew that change was always there. That's why she always embraced it, always welcomed it when it came. But today was not one of those days. Today was _different_.

-o-o-o-

Piper met Alex Vause when she was just eight years old. She was sitting at the back row of her classroom getting ready to be the attentive student that she was supposed to be, when Alex walked in and sat on the empty chair beside her. For a few seconds, Piper just looked at her... and she noticed three things:

Her black-rimmed glassed that made her look cute and intimidating both at the same time

Her long jet-black hair that made her stand out from everyone

The fact that she was kind of _old_ to be in a room that was supposed to be filled only with 2nd graders

"Has no one ever told you that it's rude to stare?"

"What? No! I mean, I'm sorry that I was staring, I didn't mean to—why are you here?"

"Wow, and I though the rudeness already ended with the stare."

Piper was about to apologize again and explain her side _and_ her foot-in-the-mouth disease, something she realized that she acquired very early in her life, when the girl beside her just laughed wholeheartedly before dismissing her with a slight arm wave. She didn't seem offended. In fact, she looked very amused that Piper found herself getting comfortable with her during the first five minutes of their interaction.

Until they started talking properly and Piper found out that her name was Alex. And that she had to stop going to school for three years before she could go back, hence the age difference. And then they talked some more until Piper realized that she could actually be really good friends with this person.

That was Piper's major change number one.

Change number two came a few years later in Piper's life.

One thing about Piper and Alex was the fact that they liked each other very much. Right after that first day they've met, they've been attached at their hips ever since. They've become the best friends that no one could have ever predicted because another thing about them? They couldn't have been more different from each other.

Piper was born to a family the society looked up to. They were important people, they _mattered_. She had a lifestyle that most people would be envious of, huge house that could probably fit five families, and a status so important no one would dare lay a finger on her.

Alex on the other hand, was just... well, _Alex_. She grew up with a single parent, a mother who worked four jobs just so she could send her to school, just so they could make rent on time and have enough food they could call a decent meal. Her father was a drummer of this infamous band Death Maiden, and Alex was led to believe that he was a rock god just as much as a decent father. She believed wrong.

So, to sum that all up, Piper grew up _privileged,_ whileAlex grew up _deprived_.

But that didn't mean that Piper had a better life than Alex.

Alex only had her Mom in her life but not once had she felt as if there was something missing, or _someone._ Piper had a complete family but might as well have _none_ at all because no one seemed to notice anything, or care for anyone in their household. But still, Piper did everything she could just so she could live up to her parents' (and everyone else's) expectations. Because that's what good daughters were supposed to do. So she followed every rule, obeyed everyone's instructions and ultimately became the good girl everyone she knew expected her to be.

Well, that was until Alex came to the picture.

Unlike Piper, Alex had the knack of bending the rules. Whatever she was told to do, she would almost always do otherwise. Not that she liked doing it just for the sake of doing it. She also had her own reasons (like finding some rules too pretentious especially when those people implementing them didn't follow those rules, too.)

But also, sometimes she just really wanted to live her life that way, finding the adrenaline in running away whenever she would intentionally ring the fire alarm cathartic, or realizing she would learn so much more whenever she would decide to miss class and spend the day reading at a public library instead.

Alex could barely eat three meals a day, only had one parent and disobeyed almost every rule out there but she was having the time of her life. Piper was rich, had a complete family, and followed all the rules but she was miserable. And she saw that. She realized that the more time she spent with Alex. And she wanted all of that to change. So major change number two happened.

Piper started letting loose more a little, stopped following rules not because she wanted to but because she needed it for herself. She was no longer the _perfect_ daughter or the _best_ student. But she's finally learned how to do things for her own sake and not just to please other people, and somehow, it made her happier than she's ever been. All thanks to Alex.

Major change number three happened gradually.

She's always known that Alex was gay. It wasn't something that Alex had ever tried hiding from her. Of course, Alex didn't realize it at first but when she did, Piper was the first person she told it to. Piper knew it wasn't an easy decision for Alex especially when her best friend had started fidgeting with her shirt while she told her this. Alex _never_ fidgeted. She never got nervous. And it was one of the many things that Piper truly admired about her, her confidence, the way she carried herself.

But that night when she admitted to her this life-changing discovery about herself, that confident Alex she's always known was nowhere to be found. The only person who was there was a scared Alex, someone who thought she could _lose_ Piper by telling her the truth, someone who _cried_ just at that thought. But the fact was, after that admission, she's only made Piper want to stay _more_.

Because then Piper realized, Alex needed _protection_ , too. She wasn't invincible. She didn't always cry not because she was so damn strong, but because she was also scared. She didn't show how much she was affected by how shitty her life was not because she was _tough_ , but because she didn't want to be perceived as _weaker_ than she already felt.

Afterwards, everything just got better. Piper had learned how to stand up for herself, Alex had learned that it was okay t be vulnerable at times. Because any other way, they had each other's backs. And so they were okay.

Until they weren't.

Alex was supposed to come by Piper's room (yes, _room,_ because she wasn't allowed anywhere in Piper's house except that place where she could sneak in) so they could hang out. But an hour had passed and she still hasn't showed up. No phone calls as to why she was running late, or if she would even show up at all, not even a single text message, and she was worried. But half an hour later, she heard the usual sound of pebbles hitting her window signalling the arrival of her sometimes irritating best friend.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been waiting for almost two hours!"

"Gee, Pipes. Tone down the temper. One would think you're my mom."

Alex plopped down on Piper's bed like she usually did, but unlike the previous times she's done this, Piper didn't do the same. She remained standing, feeling a mix of irritation and worry towards Alex.

"Seriously, Alex. I've been so worried. I don't mind you being late, at least you could have texted me or something."

In an instant, the smug look on Alex's face was gone and replaced by guilt. She stood up immediately and went towards her. "Okay, I'm sorry. It won't happen again." Alex rubbed her arms and Piper found her worry start to subside.

"Thank you." Alex tucked some strands of Piper's hair behind her ear and Piper leaned to her touch because it was one of those things that always calmed her down. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Why are you late?"

"Oh believe me, you don't wanna know."

Alex had gone back to lying on her back, putting both her arms behind her head. She looked at Piper with a goofy smile and Piper couldn't help but be curious as to why her best friend was late. "I asked, didn't I?"

"I was having sex."

"You were having s—you were having what?"

"Sex, Piper. You know, that thing you do with another person where you're both nake—"

"I know what sex means, thank you very much."

"Just trying to clear it up—"

"Shut up. You're fucking late, you don't get to be cocky."

Three days later, Piper lost her virginity. Now, that should have been major change number three in Piper's books had it not been ridiculously awful that all she just wanted was to forget it ever happened. It didn't help that whilst doing it, all she kept thinking about was if Alex's first was as awful as hers was being. She tried to convince herself that she was just being an annoying teenager by comparing her sex life to that of her best friend's but something was off and Piper knew it.

She spent the next few days avoiding Alex without any clear reason why. And Alex sure as hell noticed it.

"Pipes, why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Do you think I'm stupid? What's going on, Piper?"

"What's going on is that I've been having sex." Piper said it so softly that even she didn't know if she really said it out loud or was just thinking it.

"What?"

"Nothing. Look, I have to go, okay?"

"What the hell is going on?" Alex asked again, frustration clearly evident in her voice by then. "Did I do something wrong?"

And just like that, Alex's voice became so uncharacteristically soft, like she's already so sorry if she indeed did something wrong that Piper's chest tightened in an instant. She didn't know why but it felt like only she had the power of turning Alex into her most vulnerable state and now she had and Piper felt _awful_ about it. Alex shouldn't be suffering just because of _her_.

"Alex, you did _not_ do anything wrong. I just... I really have to go."

"Is this because of the guy you've been seeing?" That's when Piper felt like her legs had been locked on the floor because she suddenly couldn't move. She didn't even know Alex knew about _that_. "He told you to stop seeing me, didn't he?" Piper should have said _anything_ by then. She didn't like the tone in Alex's voice because she sounded _scared_. And Piper _hated_ it when Alex was scared because she's used to having her as the strong one between them. "Or is this your parents? You've finally listened to them?" By then, Alex's voice had cracked and Piper was sure she couldn't look at her anymore because then she would just _lose_ it.

"No."

"Then what?!"

"Does it really matter?!"

"Of course it fucking matters! You're my fucking best friend!"

"There! You've said it. That's the whole fucking problem, _Al_. I am _just_ your fucking _best friend!"_

Piper tried avoiding Alex after that. Not that she hasn't been already doing it. And not that it was hard since Alex made it so easy. Piper hadn't seen her for the next few days, and the one time that she did, Alex didn't even bother _looking_ her way. Piper felt like her heart, and probably her whole being, had been crushed.

It was another few days later when Piper heard the usual pebbles getting thrown against her window. At first she tried to ignore it. It couldn't be. Her mind was just playing some tricks on her because of how much she missed Alex. But Alex didn't want anything to do with her anymore. So there couldn't be anyone outside her room, throwing small rocks on her window.

But then it happened again. So Piper had to finally stand and see it for herself. Alex was right outside, looking up, looking so relieved when she saw Piper. And before Piper even realized what was happening, Alex was already coming inside her room through her window.

"Alex, what are you do—"

But Piper hadn't even finished her sentence when Alex flung her arms around her so forcefully it almost knocked Piper out. Before Piper could even say anything, Alex was hugging her so tightly, her face buried on Piper's hair, and she held on like she was holding on for dear life.

"Pipes... please. Please just let me... 30 seconds. I just miss you so _fucking_ much."

So Piper let her. Because she missed her, too. And if she was being honest, this was the only place she's ever really felt like she was gonna be okay, something she's never felt ever since she's started avoiding Alex. In Alex's arms, Piper felt _okay_. Even though right now, this hurt just a little bit too much because it might just be something that she's never gonna have again.

So Piper held on tightly, inhaling the scent of Alex mixed with the smell of alcohol. That explained the slurring of her words and the wobbling of her feet. And when Piper realized this, she had to pull away. "Alex, you're drunk."

"Do you want me out of your life? Do you want me _gone_?" Alex sounded like a child and it hurt Piper even more because Alex genuinely sounded like she was afraid of the answer, like she was _sure_ Piper was gonna say yes.

"What?" _I want to hold you and never let go, you idiot,_ Piper instantly thought, not that she could really say that out loud. "Alex, that's ridiculous—"

" _Stop_ calling me that."

"What?"

"Alex. I'm Alex to everyone else. But you're not everyone else. I'm _Al_ to you, remember?"

 _Please don't make it harder than it already is_ , Piper thought again as Alex's words hit her right on the chest.

"So?" Piper tried to grasp for words but she came up with _nothing_. "Do you want me gone?"

Piper sighed tiredly, the conversation sucking the energy out of her. "No, I don't want you gone."

"Then why are you doing this?"

 _Because I love you so fucking much, why are you so blind to this?_ But instead of saying this, Piper found herself shaking her head. "Alex, you have to go."

"I love you."

And in an instant, Piper froze. She's heard Alex say this before, a _lot_. But for a split second, she wished that right now, Alex meant it like Piper wanted her to. For one second, Piper made herself believe that it meant more than what it really did. Because it was all she was ever going to get. Because she knew that Alex meant it like she's always have, like a _best friend_.

"I love you so _fucking_ much. But I...it's just... I can't. I can't because you're _Piper_ , and I'm just... _Alex._ And I know you've told me before that it doesn't really matter... but that's different. Because you meant that as _friends_."

 _What? What is she talking about?_

"I love you." _She said it again_. "But now you're ignoring me. And it hurts. It hurts so bad." For a while, the room was filled with silence. But then Alex spoke again and Piper was almost sure it felt like she was hearing her say those words for the _first_ time. "I love you." Alex sounded defeated now, and it took every ounce of Piper's energy not to throw herself at Alex and just wrap her arms around her until they were back to _normal_.

She should have said something else, something more _sensible_. But Piper was too wrapped up with her emotions that she just didn't care anymore whether she was still making sense. "I know. You've told me that a million times before, Al."

"No, you don't. Because right now, I'm saying it like how I really mean it."

"I don't understand."

"I love you, Piper. Don't you get it by now? I am so fucking in-love with you I just don't know what to do anymore."

And right then, Piper knew that this was worth making her books of major changes. Because this was the day the woman, _person_ , she loved more than anyone else in her life told her that she was in love with her, too.

"Say it again," she whispered, afraid that if she spoke a little more loudly, she'd wake up from a _dream,_ this beautiful dream.

"I love you. I love you. I love y—"

But Piper was kissing her. And it was the best goddamned feeling in the world.

And yes, major change number three may have just become Piper's favourite change.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

Here's the 2nd part of this story and I apologize if it took me so long to post it. And I'm also not happy at all with how this chapter turned out but I couldn't seem to make it better no matter how much I tried so apologies for that, too.

Also, sorry if some of you were misled but this is NOT a best friend A/U. It actually is about Alex and Piper's whole life (using Piper's POV) starting from how they met to how they fell in love until wherever I took this story. Haha.

Also, if there are some Naley (Nathan and Haley from One Tree Hill) fans out there, I hope you don't mind that I borrowed their signature line, hence the title.

Hope you still _enjoy,_ whatever that means haha. Please let me know what you think. This was supposed to be just a two-shot but I couldn't finish it so I'll just give it to you in small parts.

-o-o-o-

The transition from being best friends to girlfriends was easy. They still followed the same routine except this time there were no more secrets that kept weighing their shoulders down. And now there were a lot of _flirting._ And _sex_. Lots of it.

The sex was _good_. It was _great_. It was so amazingly mind-blowing, hair-ripping, skin-scratching, toe-curling all the _fucking_ time that Piper wondered why they couldn't have done it sooner.

Alex was an amazing best friend, but she was even a _better_ girlfriend. Even though she's always thought that showing her mushy, _fluffy_ side would taint her reputation as some badass hot lesbian (hence the rarity, sometimes lack of, her saying the words _I love you_ , instead she'd always answer Piper's I love you's with _"Always and forever"_ ), Piper could always feel how much Alex loved her and that was more than enough for her.

Time passed by, and despite all the fights (that always came with the package of a _young_ love, or any kind of love for that matter) and secrecy (enter Piper's parents), somehow Piper and Alex managed to make their relationship work.

"Al? What are you doing here?" Piper was up late studying for her finals when her girlfriend suddenly came barging inside her room, still through the window, much to her pleasant surprise.

"I was bored at home."

"It's almost 12 am."

"So?"

"We have finals tomorrow. Aren't you supposed to be studying?"

"Pipes, unlike you, I don't have the need to get a perfect score on every exam. I just need to pass and I'm pretty sure my knowledge is enough for me to be able to do that."

Piper shook her head at her girlfriend's confidence, but not without feeling a sense of pride because she knew she was telling the truth. Alex was smart, probably even a lot smarter than her, and if only she was as keen as Piper when it came to studying, she would've probably ended up at the top of their class.

"Has anyone told you how much of a smug bitch you are?"

Alex smirked and raised an eyebrow at the blonde, before finally moving towards Piper, tilting the blonde's chin upwards so she could kiss her. "You just did. You still love me though."

"That I do," answered Piper as she brought their lips together again, the stress of the upcoming finals suddenly forgotten as Alex's arms wrapped around her, giving her the sense of calm that the raven-haired never failed to give her.

"Come on," Alex closed the books on Piper's table and started pulling at her arm, urging her to stand. "Do you think your parents are asleep?"

"Wh- yes, I think they are. Where are we going?"

"Just trust me."

Soon enough, Piper and Alex was standing at the rooftop of Alex's apartment building, the place illuminated by lights hanging all over the place, candles and petals of white and red roses scattered all over the floor. There was a table at the center, and everything just looked, _felt_ , so romantic that Piper was left speechless for a moment.

"D-do you like it?" the hesitance in Alex's voice brought Piper back making her look at her girlfriend. True enough, the taller woman looked uncharacteristically nervous, and she was looking back at Piper expectantly, waiting for her to say something.

Not knowing what to say, Piper immediately flung her arms around Alex's neck, kissing her just below her ear. "I love it, Al. I can't believe you did this."

"Yeah, well..." Alex hugged Piper back, her lips instantly pressing on Piper's hair. "Happy anniversary, babe. I know it's not much but I—"

But whatever Alex was planning to say was immediately cut off as Piper's lips pressed against hers. They kissed for as long as their breathing allowed them to and when they pulled apart, Piper looked at Alex and wondered to herself whatever it was that she did to deserve someone so wonderful like this person standing in front of her right now, looking at her like she's the only thing that existed in this world.

"I love you."

"Always and forever, babe."

Piper was 18 when it happened. She was at a family gathering, feeling mighty bored and wishing Alex was with her (which was, up until that time, still unallowed despite the fact that her parents already knew about them being more than friends) when she received the call from Diane.

Her voice was shaking, and it was thick with tears that Piper almost couldn't understand it. "Piper, honey, it's Alex. She got... she got into an accident."

Diane hadn't even finished her sentence when Piper was already running towards the door, ignoring her parents and everyone else's calls. All she wanted was to reach Alex, her heart hammering forcefully against her chest at the thought of Alex _hurt_ , and probably fighting for her life.

It was that day when Alex found out she couldn't go to college, which she didn't take very well, which caused her to end up driving her bike very drunk resulting to her accident. It wasn't because she wasn't gonna be able to continue her education. It was because of the fact that she wasn't going to college and _Piper was_.

Alex and Piper had spent more than half their lives together and the reality that they might soon have to part ways because of the simple truth that Alex just couldn't afford the kind of life she needed to still be with Piper, hit her hard.

And it was also that day that Piper realized just how much she _couldn't_ live a life without Alex. When she found out she was in danger, she was so _scared_ she went numb and a life without Alex suddenly flashed right in front of her eyes and she felt her heartbeat stop just at _that thought_... which brought her to make a vow to herself that she would do anything in the world just so she wouldn't have to live a life like that, a life without the person she loved deeply and who's only ever loved her just as much.

Because then, Piper knew that a life without Alex just wasn't a life worth living at all.

Piper was able to convince her parents to just let her study college without having to move so far away. It was a hard-fought fight but Piper gave her parents (and also Alex) the choice between her studying college at their hometown and not studying college at all. So life went on without the two of them having to separate and the blissful and contented life together continued.

But then it had to come, the inevitability of life being uneasy for both of them, it made its presence known once again and neither of the two was prepared for it.

Alex's mother died. She suffered from an aneurysm and it was something that not even Piper could save Alex from. Piper knew that Alex could take anything life would throw at her, but the very exception to that was anything that had to do with her mother.

So when Diane died, Piper felt like she's lost Alex, too. There were long days, even coming close to a week, when she wouldn't see her, wouldn't even know where she was and it worried Piper like crazy but there was nothing she could do and she felt so _useless._ Alex was always there for her whenever she needed her but at that time she couldn't do the same thing.

And it caused a strain in their relationship. Alex started becoming so distant, surrounding herself with a wall that even Piper couldn't break. It had been the most difficult time they, as a couple, had gone through, and yet Piper had no plans of giving up.

But no matter how much Piper tried, Alex was just too far gone to even care anymore. So she was the one who gave up first.

"Piper, I'm leaving."

"What?"

"I have to go away."

And it wasn't what Alex said that scared Piper the most but the way her eyes seemed when she looked at her. There wasn't any life in there anymore, no signs that she even wanted to bring that life back and it was the very first time that Piper felt that _maybe,_ in spite of how much she tried, she could still lose Alex.

"No. You can't... no, Alex, you can't leave me."

"Pipes, I'm sorry. But I just... I can't live here anymore. Everywhere I look, I remember my _mom_ and it _hurts_ so fucking bad. It's killing me, Pipes. The fact that I won't be able to see her again, it's ruining me every minute that I just... I really have to get away from here."

Piper was crying and maybe it was because she was slowly losing grasp of the person she loved the most but it was more so because of seeing Alex in so much pain. "I understand how much you miss her, Al. I miss her, too, so much. But... but what about me? I'm still here."

"Believe me, I don't wanna leave you. But you have a life here and you have a future that you're chasing. I don't have any of that anymore, Pipes."

"You have _me_. Do you not see me as a part of my future anymore?" Piper's heart was breaking and the fact that she knew Alex's was, too, was doubling the pain she was feeling and it was all she could do not to break apart in front of her.

"I do. You know I always will. But Piper I can't stay."

And then it hit Piper that there was an easy solution to this thing. It wasn't her who Alex wanted to leave. It was this place and so there was still a way that they could be together, no matter how crazy it sounded. It was the only way.

"Then I'm coming with you." It wasn't even a hard decision to make, it was the only thing that made sense to Piper right at that moment and Alex only had to agree and they didn't have to separate anymore.

But Alex looked at Piper like she was going crazy and the fear came back as soon as it left. "What?! No. Pipes, you only have a year to finish colle-"

"Alex, please. You're the only reason I'm still staying here. All of it, even college, none of those matter without you. So please, please just let me just go with you."

Alex kept shaking her head as if it was going to change anything but Piper has already made her decision and whatever it was that Alex was gonna say to make her stay, she wasn't going to take it. "Pipes, I'm gonna ruin your life."

"No, Alex. If you leave me, that's when you ruin my life. Al, don't leave me here. Please."

And Piper knew that it was selfish. Because whatever Alex planned to do, that was supposed to be for herself but Piper had made it about her, too. But she couldn't let Alex go, not then and definitely not now.

Piper could see Alex thinking and she knew how hard she was making this for her. And just when she thought Alex was gonna say that she couldn't take her, that she was still leaving without her, Alex brought her hands to cup her face and wiped the tears that had settled on her cheeks.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes. I've never been more sure in my entire life. Always and forever, right?"

Alex then nodded, and she did that one thing Piper hasn't seen her do in a really long time. She _smiled_. And it was so beautiful that any doubts Piper should have had about this were immediately thrown away, leaving _Alex_ the only thing that _mattered_.

"Always and forever."

So when Alex and Piper finally left their hometown in the middle of night with not even a single soul aware that they'd never see them back here again, Piper thought that maybe giving up on each other just wasn't ever gonna be part of their books.

The first couple of weeks weren't easy.

But with the small amount of money that they both were able to save, they managed to eat two decent meals a day, spending nights at cheap motels. During day time, they would go everywhere to find any job that would pay enough for them to be able to rent a small apartment.

And so with Alex's ability to use her charm at just about _anything,_ they were able to find waitressing jobs at a somewhat-decent bar, even managing to be friends with the daughter of the owner, a wild-haired, totally crazy girl named Nicky.

"So you two have been together for how long?"

"Almost six years," answered Piper as she cleaned up the last table for the night as Alex started turning the chairs upside down. "But we've known each other since I was eight."

"And you're how old now?"

"22."

"And you've never been separated since then?"

"Nope."

"And you've never gotten tired of each other's faces?"

Piper chuckled at the absurdity of the question, the thought of getting tired of anything that had to do with Alex sounding so _impossible_. "No, I don't think so.

"It just seems so..." Nicky paused, looking for the right word for what she was about to say, " _surreal_ to find someone like you two. Don't get me wrong, as much as I want to throw up every time I see you eye-fucking, I'm happy for you both. It's just... so hard to imagine you not getting tired of any of it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, don't you ever think about it? 14 years and you seem to be the one who had sacrificed more. You gave up the chance of getting into a decent university until you just gave it up for good. You chose this life," Nicky extended her arms to gesture around the bar, "over your former life as a spoiled rich girl. I mean... why?"

Piper stopped whatever she was doing, the reality of all of it suddenly magnified right in front of her eyes. But when she looked at Alex who seemed to sense that she was looking at her and gave her a smile and a sultry wink, she realized that what really surprised her was the fact that she didn't _care_... and that she didn't feel like she gave up anything at all.

"She _saved_ me... from being trapped in my own life that I used to not even have any control over. Alex saved me. And this life," Piper mimicked Nicky's earlier gesture, "this is a life _with her_ , and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world."

They were cramped up together in their tiny twin bed, the only thing that would fit in their small bedroom in the small apartment they could afford, arms wrapped around each other, hearing nothing but each other's breathing.

"I'm sorry, Pipes."

The apology took Piper by surprise and she had to disentangle herself from Alex so she could look at her with her brows furrowed, eyes filled with questions. "For what?"

"Because this isn't supposed to be the only life that I can manage to give you. I shouldn't have... I should have just left—"

"You should have just left me?" Piper knew the pain was evident in her face and voice, and she could see how _guilt_ suddenly flashed across Alex's features. "So you'd rather choose a life without me?"

Alex immediately sat upright, enveloping Piper's hands into her own. "Pipes, that's not what I meant, okay? It's just that... I can see how hard this all is for you and I hate it, especially because I'm the reason behind it."

"Al," Piper closed the distance between them to press her forehead against Alex, the proximity instantly calming her down, "I was the one who chose this. You didn't force me to do anything, okay?" She then pulled away to look Alex in the eye, and her heart broke at how sad they looked. "Yes, I'm not gonna say that this is easy, because we both know it's not. But we're gonna get through it, I know we can. Together." And as if thinking the same thing, they brought their lips together in a chaste kiss. "And besides, you make the hardship worth it." She lightly shoved her girlfriend playfully, causing a small smile to form on her lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Surprised at the unusual response, Piper raised her eyebrows at Alex. "What happened to _always and forever_?"

Alex chuckled, shaking her head before kissing Piper again. "Always and forever."

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

FFChik, maanetoootz, Pember, moanzs, Marauder-Lu, Lily, Oitnbisamaze, mca, WB79, Guest (for some reason...), Vausemaniac, vausegasm, vausemanoitnb, Kojojo, Guest (nice job), Pickypflu, ManveerlovesVauseman, oitnbaddict, Sarag (or maybe Sarah?), Guest (Part2), RJVause, tslp, Guest (loved it!), SeriouslyAwesome

You guys are wonderful! Sorry for the long wait. =(


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:**

Not gonna lie, I honestly thought I'd never update this one again.

I know I tweeted something about not wanting to update this anytime soon 'coz canon Vauseman ended on such a good note in season 4 that I didn't wanna ruin that by giving you my angst-y version of them. But this just itched to be written and so here I am.

Apologies for any mistakes and I hope you're all still with me. And just so you know, this isn't the last chapter. I'm just not sure when I can update it again.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters.

-o-o-o-

It was more than a year since they ran away from home when Piper just _snapped_.

She woke up late that morning, having gone home late from a double shift at the bar. "Shit!" she cursed inwardly and hurriedly got out of bed when Alex walked inside their room.

She was holding a tray with what seemed like breakfast, and if Piper wasn't in any hurry, she would've given this more attention. Alex hadn't done anything even remotely _close_ to this sweet gesture for as long as Piper could remember.

"Hey, what's going on?"

She was also wearing this band shirt that Piper bought her years ago. The print was fading and it already had a wide hole on the right shoulder but Alex always considered this her favourite. Usually, this would bring a smile on Piper's lips but today, it didn't have any effect on her.

Maybe things really had changed.

Her girlfriend had stopped working at the bar weeks ago, in hopes that she could find a better job, something that would pay more. She hadn't found any _yet_ and it was making it harder for them to pay rent and bills on time but Piper refused to say anything about it, not wanting to trump Alex's hopes than they already were.

But the constant double shifts at the bar were taking its toll on Piper and she was just exhausted to her bones making it so easy for her to get pissed at things.

"I am fucking late, Al! Why didn't you wake me?" she asked as she started running towards the bathroom. But she felt Alex's grip on her wrist making her stop to look at her, annoyed. "What?"

"I didn't wake you because I know how tired you are. I was hoping you'd take this day off and, you know, rest. We can spend the day watching films and eating Chinese," Alex looked hopeful and it was one of those things she almost never saw from Alex anymore that Piper didn't want to ruin it but she also knew that she couldn't afford to take any days off.

"Alex, I'd love to but you know I can't." Piper tried to calm her temper, speaking as softly as she could. The past few days, if she pulled this attitude on Alex, the taller woman would've snapped back at her but she was surprisingly being calm today.

"Pipes, I don't even remember the last time we spent a day together, just the two of us. I miss you," Alex wrapped her arms around Piper's waist before kissing her softly on the lips.

Piper closed her eyes at the feel of Alex against her. She missed this, just being with Alex and not worrying about anything and if she had a choice they'd go back to that time. But the thing was, things have changed and she had to work so _this_ would still work.

So she quickly pulled away, trying to ignore the hurt look on Alex's face. "I'm sorry. But I have to keep moving," she pressed another kiss on Alex's lips and she didn't fail to notice the lack of response this time. Ignoring yet again the pinch she felt on her chest, she walked towards the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

It took Piper a mere ten minutes to shower and when she went out, Alex was sitting at the edge of their bed, looking at her hesitantly. "You should at least eat breakfast," she gestured towards the tray beside her.

"I can't, Al," Piper didn't even have time to look at it, nor Alex as she frantically walked around the room to change.

"Pipes, you didn't even eat dinner last night."

"I'm fine."

"If you keep this up, you're gonna get sick." Alex stood up and reached for Piper, but the blonde shoved her forcefully, causing her to almost lose her balance, her arm hitting the edge of the drawer.

"I said, I'm fine, Alex! Can't you just... get out of the fucking way for a minute? I'm late!"

A mere second had passed when Piper realized what she'd done as she heard Alex hiss in pain. Her eyes immediately darted to Alex's arm and true enough there was a short gash, and _blood_ that Alex absentmindedly wiped with her other hand.

"Shit! Al, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to –" Piper's immediate instinct caused her to reach out to Alex but before she could do so Alex already turned her back on her and started walking out of the room. "Alex..."

Piper really thought she wouldn't stop. But she did. And then she looked back at her with a look that made Piper feel like there was something stuck in her throat. She hasn't seen Alex look this _dejected_ before, and Piper hated herself that she was the one who caused it.

Not being able to stand the look on Alex's face anymore, Piper drifted her gaze elsewhere but her eyes just landed on Alex's wound and it just made her feel a thousand times worse. But she was frozen to her feet her lips locked not really knowing what to say, or do, for that matter. And even if there was _anything_ she could do, it wasn't going to change anything anyway.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke, and then she was walking away from Piper again and Piper couldn't do anything but watch.

The day went by quickly and as soon as exhaustion hit Piper once again, which came very early in the day, she's forgotten what had just happened between her and Alex.

Piper may not have been realizing but it was so easy getting to that point nowadays. Her compartmentalizing things and keeping everything that made her feel guilty, that caused her chest to constrict in such an unpleasant way somewhere she couldn't reach it.

Piper knew what needed to be done and that was to not feel anything that could make her weak, anything that could push her to the edge of crumbling down because she knew that if that happened, her relationship with Alex would come tumbling down with it. She was moving back and forth between holding on and just breaking apart and she knew that as long as she stayed in the middle, she and Alex were going to be _just fine_.

"So, what's up with Vause?" Nicky asked out of nowhere and Piper was immediately brought back to early this morning, guilt immediately coursing through her. But the guilt was gone as soon as it came.

 _Compartmentalize. Ignore the ugly. Pay attention to what needed to be done._

"Nothing much, she's still looking for a job."

"She's just wasting her time. Why can't she just come back here and maybe I can ask Ma to do something about her salary or something?"

Piper laughed humourlessly, "You know Alex, her pride wouldn't let you do that." She was quiet all of a sudden, the past year weighing on her shoulders. It had been going on for a while now, Piper carrying the burden of how tough their life _still_ was, feeling like she's doing all of it _alone_.

"Hey, you okay there?"

Piper wanted to say yes, to tell Nicky that she was holding on just fine. But even that, lying to herself and to everyone else, felt so exhausting now.

"Remember that conversation we had about a year ago? When you asked me about not getting tired of all of it? Well, now I am. And I just... I feel horrible because I want it to stop but I don't know how to. I don't know how to get out of this swirling darkness inside my head and I'm scared that sooner or later, it's what's gonna break us apart. I love Alex, Nicky. I love her so much I can't even explain it. But what if that isn't enough to make this last?"

Piper went home that night exhausted to her bones, not only physically but more so emotionally. For a second, she wished that Alex was already asleep because she didn't wanna face her, didn't wanna have to talk to her but as she turned on the lights, she found her sitting on their couch, bottles of beer scattered all over.

"You're home late," Alex whispered, more so to herself than Piper, but the blonde heard her anyway.

"Nicky and I talked for a bit. She says hi," answered Piper as she picked the bottles one by one, not even bothering to look Alex's way.

"Don't," she gripped Piper's arm, stalling the blonde's movement until they both let go at the same time, Alex of Piper's arm, and Piper of the bottles she just picked up. "I made dinner, it's probably cold, though," Alex's voice was lifeless, the rasp was more prominent than usual, and the edges of her tone that had always been there was gone.

"Thanks... but I've had dinner before I left the bar."

Piper tried. She really wanted to appreciate all these that Alex was _trying_ to do for her. She wanted to smile at her and tell her she'd love to eat dinner with her. She wanted to just pull Alex against her and make her feel how much she missed her, how much she hoped things would just go back to how they used to.

But she couldn't. Because all she could ever bring herself to care about was how tired she was and how she just wanted to go to bed so she could have energy to face the next day again. She wanted to make herself believe that Alex was trying as hard as she was but right now, all that was happening was her working herself to the bones while Alex stayed home sulking and getting lost in her own misery, drinking until she was numb to see how so much harder she was making it for Piper.

So instead of choosing to spend more time with Alex, something Piper hasn't done in as long as she could remember, she again turned her back on her, failing to see how a number of teardrops escaped from Alex's eyes.

"Pipes..." Alex called out softly, and soon as Piper heard it, she stopped but made no movement to face her girlfriend. "You know I'm trying, right?"

Piper had to swallow before she could respond, a lump immediately filling her throat. "Yeah," Piper answered, wishing Alex was _doing_ instead of just trying. She started to walk again but before she could make another step, Alex spoke again. And when she did, her words were like daggers to Piper's heart.

"And I know how much I'm _failing_. And how it's making you _resent_ me. You probably even _hate_ me right now," she then chuckled humourlessly and Piper felt as if she's been stabbed a million times at how _sad_ Alex sounded.

So she turned around as quickly as she could, immediately shaking her head. She couldn't let Alex think that she hated her. She didn't. It was far from that. "Alex, I don't—"

But Alex shook her head, too, not letting Piper finish her sentence. "It's okay, Pipes. I hate myself, too." She looked down, refusing to meet Piper's eyes.

Piper took a step, wanting to go near Alex, suddenly forgetting all she was feeling just a while ago. She hasn't seen Alex this way and she just wanted to make it stop, wanted to apologize for even just _thinking_ about everything she had for the last few days.

"When I wanted to leave home, it wasn't just to escape from the pain of losing my Mom. I wanted to become someone else, someone apart from the person your parents and probably everyone else thought you didn't deserve. I wanted to leave so that I could become someone you could be proud of. I knew it was a long shot but I wanted to give it a try, for _you_... because you were the only person I had left."

This froze Piper to her spot, not knowing all of this. Alex never told her any of it. And she didn't know what to feel now that she had. A part of her almost wished she didn't find out, because _this_ , this made her weak. Piper could try being as strong as she could, but Alex was still, and would always be her _weakness_.

"I thought I could do it without you, that I could live away from you. But when you asked me not to leave you, I realized that I couldn't... that more than being a whole other person, being with you was what was important to me. You made me think that I was okay, _more_ than okay. You loved me for who I was and it somehow felt like a _miracle_ , because who in the hell would love someone like _me_?"

 _"I would. I do."_ But the words couldn't find their way out of Piper's mouth and she just stood there, watching Alex slowly fall apart in front of her.

"But now... I've just made everything _worse_. I kept searching for that person I've always wanted to be but all it did was just... push you away. And if finding myself means losing you, then that's just not worth it."

Alex kept shaking her head, her eyes filled with unshed tears. She kept running her fingers through her hair, holding on to them desperately as if it was the only thing keeping her together. She just looked so _far gone_ and it was tearing Piper into pieces.

"But I'm so lost now, Piper. I can't find my way back even just to the person you fell in-love with. I can't find my way back to _you_ and it's scaring the hell out of me because you just feel so _far away_ now _._ "

Hearing this, Piper immediately knelt in front of Alex, her hands cupping her face as she made her look at her. "Alex, I'm here. I'm _still_ here. And I'm not going anywhere."

Right at that exact moment, Alex finally let go of her tears as she bit her lips to stifle any sob that threatened to escape her lips. "But Pipes... you already have. I can't reach you. I can't even talk to you anymore. And I don't blame you, really. I had it coming. But it just hurts, you know? And I can't stop thinking how much you deserve so, so much more. Someone who isn't me."

"That's not true. You can't think that. What happened to _always and forever_ , Al?" Piper pleaded as she started crying, too.

"What happened is that it doesn't really exist. Piper, you're better off without me."

"No!"

Piper half-yelled as she quickly stood up, anger suddenly crawling up her chest. She'd been trying so hard so her relationship with Alex could survive whatever the hell this was. But if Alex gave up, what was the whole damn point of it all?

"How can you say that? How is it so easy for you to _always_ just give up on me?"

Piper was suddenly brought back to that day when Alex told her she was _leaving_. And how terrified she was when life threatened her with the idea of living the rest of her life with the only person she wanted to be with for as long as she lived. And it brought a shiver down her spine because it was happening _again._

"It's hard, Alex! This life, it's so _fucking_ exhausting! But I am _trying_. For us! But you, all you're doing is push me away, _constantly_ , as if my choice doesn't even matter. I chose you. I chose this life over anything else because I love you! Why can't you even give that credit? Why does it always have to be about how _hard_ everything is?"

But Alex just buried her face on her arms, her fingers still threaded tightly on her hair. Piper couldn't see her face and so she couldn't see how this was destroying her, too. And for unknown reasons, Piper found herself even angrier.

"Is that what you want? For me to just give up, too? Do you want me to stop fighting for us now? Because Alex, looking at you right now just drained all the fight left in me. So tell me, do you want me to just _quit_?" But Alex stayed as she was, still refusing to look at Piper. "Fucking look at me!"

"I don't know! I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know!"

"Then let me make the decision for you," Piper then said softly, suddenly feeling so much more tired than she's ever been. Loving someone shouldn't be this hard. Love wasn't supposed to feel this way. "I quit, Al. I give up. There, you got what you want. Congratulations." Tears now shot from Piper's eyes as she started to walk away from Alex.

"Piper—"

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get the fuck out, Alex!" And before she could change her mind, Piper slammed the door, shutting Alex out not only from their bedroom, but maybe from her life as well.

-o-o-o-

As Alex made her way out of her and Piper's apartment, her head spinning and her legs slightly wobbling, from too much alcohol or from the excruciating pain that was quickly consuming her, her life suddenly flashed right before her eyes, from the moment she met Piper to the exact second she lost her.

Looking back, she tried to look for any sign that could have told her it was gonna end this way anyway. She tried to think back of every moment spent with Piper, and whether any of those times should have given her the idea that someone like her couldn't _possibly_ end up with someone like Piper.

Piper was beautiful.

Piper was smart.

Piper was passionate.

Piper was kind.

Piper was the kind of person that made perfection seem possible.

But Alex. She was just _Alex_. And Piper deserved better.

So even if it hurt, even if it was making it impossible for her to breathe, even if it felt like she was slowly falling into pieces, Alex kept walking away. She accepted the fact that it was time to let go.

 _Piper deserved better._

Ignoring the cold that bit at her skin, Alex kept walking as she tuned out the rest of the world. She sulked in her own misery, she bit back her tears and welcomed the pain.

 _Piper deserved better._

But then as she crossed the street, she heard screams and the screeching noise of an upcoming vehicle. And then she saw the flash of light coming her way. Suddenly, Piper's voice was all she could hear.

 _"I quit, Al. I give up."_

The light came closer, almost blinding her, giving her the chance to see nothing except the last look Piper gave her before she turned her back on her.

 _"I quit, Al. I give up."_

And then the light was gone.

 _"I quit, Al. I give up."_

Until there was nothing else because everything had turned to black.

 _Piper deserved better. And now she was getting exactly that._

-o-o-o-

 **A/N:**

 **I'm sorry.**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

RJVause, WB79, Z-Tea, moanzs, Guest (worth the wait), vausemanoitnb, ManveerlovesVauseman, FFChik, mca, , OzisOz, Guest (Please!), Guest (Write again)


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**

I'm a little rusty as I haven't written in a while so I'm sorry. And also, apologies for the lack of updates.

So here's the new chapter, there's not much dialogue in here but I hope you still find it okay. Can't wait to hear what you think! Thanks! =)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters.

-o-o-o-

Looking back to where it all began, to where she and Alex began, Piper realized that she's tried almost everything _with_ Alex. From cutting classes to smoking weed inside her car, from sleeping over at Alex's when she told her mother she'd be at Polly's to pretending to date Larry when she's already dating Alex. From living such a privileged life as she watched Alex struggle with hers, to leaving those lives entirely to have one difficult _but_ happy life, _together_.

She'd always been scared to try new things _without_ Alex, never dared to take any risks when it didn't involve Alex, never wanted _anything_ that had nothing to do with Alex. Everything seemed so much _less_ without her, like the point of doing something wasn't the doing itself but the fact that she could do it with _her_.

So as the possibility of living her life without Alex for the first time in more than half of it hit Piper, she suddenly found herself unable to breathe realizing that it was _not_ what she wanted. She didn't want this, didn't want a life without Alex, didn't want to even _think_ about it.

Because that life would be _pointless_ , and Piper had no plans of living a life like that.

"Fuck!" Piper exclaimed as the anger and frustration left her body, replaced with the fear that she's truly pushed Alex away this time, and for good. It was exhausting, playing this push-and-pull with her, but she wouldn't let _push_ to be their last move, especially if she was the one to make it.

She couldn't let Alex _go_ , she loved her too much for that. So if having to get tired to her bones each day for the rest of her life meant having to live that life with Alex, then this wouldn't even have to be an internal debate anymore. She had to be with her.

But first she had to find where the hell she was.

-o-o-o-

Piper went out of her and Alex's apartment, her heart hammering furiously against her chest. Her exhaustion had been replaced with an indescribable adrenaline, her need to find Alex before she could get away too far from her urging Piper to move as fast as she could. She kept walking, even though she had no idea where Alex would go and for every step, Piper hated herself even more for telling Alex to leave, her temper rearing its ugly head yet again, at the worst time possible.

She decided to call Nicky, feeling bad that she would have to disturb her realizing how late it was but Piper also knew that she couldn't take her chances. She was the only friend she and Alex had so if Alex would go some place else, there was a chance that it would be at Nicky's.

"This better be important, Chapman or I swear to god I'm gonna make your life a living hell at work tomorrow," Nicky answered, replacing her usual cheery hello with a tone laced with sleepiness. But there wasn't a trace of annoyance in it despite her remark and Piper was reminded that quality was indeed better than quantity when it came to friends.

"I'm so sorry, Nicky," Piper said apologetically as she walked, her gaze darting from one place to another hoping to see a glimpse of Alex. "But something happened and—" Piper stopped herself before she could waste another minute, "Is Alex with you?"

"What?" Nicky seemed a little more awake now, confusion and surprise evident in her voice. "Why are you asking me that, it's almost two in the morning why would she be with me? Isn't she supposed to be with you?"

Disappointment and more fear washed through Piper as she sighed deeply. She was close to tears again but managed to swallow it back up as she went on to answer Nicky's questions. "I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, okay? Thank you. And I'm sorry for waking you up."

Piper was about to hang up when Nicky spoke again, "Wait, Piper. What happened, is everything okay?" She sounded worried now and it only added to Piper's fear. Alex was _drunk_ and it was late and if something happened to her—"Piper?" Nicky's voice pulled Piper back to the present.

"I... no, Nicky. Everything isn't okay. Alex is gone and I really don't know where to find her—"

"What do you mean Alex is gone, she wasn't there when you got home?"

"She was. I kind of..." Piper took a deep breath, she was frantic now and her steps got a little faster, desperation overcoming her entirety. "Look, I swear I'll tell you everything tomorrow... or later, but I really have to find Alex now," guilt crawled up Piper's chest once again not wanting to voice out that it was her who told Alex to leave.

"Do you need me to find her with—"

"No!" Piper cut Nicky off knowing she's bothered her enough. "No, it's fine Nick, thank you. I'm sure she's just... somewhere. I'm gonna be fine, I promise. We're gonna be fine," she added a lot softer, lamely convincing herself with her own words.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I gotta go, Nicky."

"Okay. But call me when you find her okay, I don't care what time it is."

"Yeah. Bye." As Piper put her phone back in her pocket, she noticed a commotion happening just a few steps away from her. She knew something bad had happened as she noticed a police car and ambulance close to the scene. She shouldn't be bothering herself with it, really. It had nothing to do with her and she was here to find Alex. But instead of moving away from the swarm of people that had gathered at one place in the middle of the street, she found herself moving closer to them, her feet feeling heavier at each step.

She didn't know what it was but the scene was drawing her closer to it and as she got nearer, the thumping of her heart also got faster. Whatever happened must be really terrible as she took in the reactions on each of everyone's faces. She stopped behind one older woman whom Piper noticed had a hand clutched to her chest.

"What happened?" Piper asked, unable to see what was really going on as a number of people were blocking her sight.

"Hit and run, that poor girl."

Piper _really_ needed to leave now, she felt bad for whatever happened to that girl but her priority should be finding _Alex_. She needed to find her now and another second of staying here meant less chance of her finding where she was.

But instead of turning her back on the scene, she asked another question that seemed to be involuntarily coming out of her mouth. "That's terrible. Is she—" she paused midway, not wanting to speak such a terrible word. She didn't know whoever was lying on the street right now but _death_ had always been something that was hard to talk about.

"I really don't know. But I was on my way home when I saw it happened. I saw her walking, you know. And she caught my attention because she seemed so spaced out. She was obviously drunk, with the way she was walking. And that's probably why she didn't notice the vehicle approaching."

It was at that exact time that Piper whipped her head to look at the woman speaking. Her hands were suddenly clammy and her heart felt as if it was about to leap out of her chest.

 _"No, it couldn't be,"_ Piper thought to herself when the _idea_ crossed her mind. There were a lot of drunk girls all over this place at this hour and there was the most remote chance that it was Alex. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be _her_. She was surely somewhere else, maybe waiting for Piper to come find her.

But she asked the question, no matter how _scared_ she suddenly felt waiting for the answer. "Drunk? Did you... have you taken a good look at her, I mean—physically, did you see how she looked?" Piper could just walk towards the body and see her for herself but she was frozen to her spot, hoping to any gods out there that it was another girl. She couldn't even feel bad for hoping that anymore, she just badly needed for it not to be Alex.

"Not really."

Piper didn't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. All she knew was that she needed to get out of there. So she was about to walk away, unwilling to entertain the thought that it could be Alex any longer when the woman spoke again.

"Oh wait, I do remember something! I only noticed it because I thought there was blood trickling down her right arm but turned out it was just a rose tat—"

But Piper couldn't hear the rest of what the older woman was saying as she made her way through the swarm of people in front of her, ignoring the curses thrown at her as she pushed them out of her way. She didn't know it was possible to move that fast but in less than ten seconds, Piper stood there, feeling as if her chest was gonna rip open.

And there it was, right in front of her own eyes, the last thing Piper thought she'd ever see. The woman she's only ever loved _this_ much, the woman who Piper wore to herself she's gonna live the rest of her own life with... Alex, lying in her own pool of blood.

-o-o-o-

 _"Close your eyes."_

 _"What? Why would I do that?"_

 _"No questions, come on just close your fucking eyes."_

 _"I love it when you go all dominant on me," Piper winked at Alex before closing her eyes, her cheeks hurting from smiling too much._

 _She had been in bed with Alex almost all day, having spent most of it naked as they explored each other's bodies over and over again. It was their first day on their apartment, much smaller than what they wanted but it was all they could afford right now and for Piper, that was enough. It was the fact that she was sharing it with Alex that really mattered to her and she knew that even if they found an even smaller place than this one, she wouldn't really care._

 _They were both wearing nothing, not feeling the need to put on any clothes as they were certain they would just take them off anyway. Piper felt Alex leave the bed and she was about to open her eyes back when Alex spoke again._

 _"Don't open them yet!"_

 _"Where are you going?"_

 _"I'll just get something."_

 _"You are such a child."_

 _"Oh really? 'Coz the things I did to you just a few minutes ago didn't feel very child-like."_

 _Piper felt another heat surging through her core as she remembered what Alex was talking about but chose to ignore it, a very hard thing to accomplish, and focus on what was happening right now instead. After a few seconds of waiting, Piper felt the bed dip as Alex held both her hands. She was aching to open her eyes, very curious to see what Alex was doing but she stayed like she was, feeling Alex wrap something around her ring finger._

 _The smile found its way to Piper's lips once again and this time it was a lot wider having realized what Alex was doing._

 _Piper was aware that this life wasn't going to be easy, certainly not as easy as the life she was accustomed to. But she also knew that this was the life that she preferred, the life she wanted and would choose over anything else, no matter how many better options were laid down right in front of her... a life with Alex._

 _"Okay, you can open them now."_

 _When Piper did open her eyes, she looked at her hand and wrapped around her ring finger was what looked like a floss, Alex turning it into a ring. Piper looked back at Alex with the biggest smile on her face and her girlfriend was already looking at her, looking a little sheepish and shy._

 _"I know it's not what you were expecting, and it's definitely not what you deserve but right now, it's all I can afford."_

 _Piper had so many things to say but she didn't know where to start. All she knew was that she was filled with so much love right now and she was wondering how she ever got so lucky to have someone whom she loved so much and who loved her back just as much._

 _"Alex, it's perfect. I love it," Piper got to her knees and drew Alex closing to her, kissing her deeply. When they pulled apart, Alex looked a whole lot more relieved. "But did you just ask me to marry you?"_

 _"What?" Alex chuckled and Piper could swear it was the best sound in the world. "I'd love that, Pipes, more than anything else, one day... when we can. But right now, it's my way of telling you I wanna live with you for the rest of my life... and I really hope it's what you want, too."_

 _It only took Piper a heartbeat before she responded, not having been more sure about anything in her life. "It is, Al. There's nothing more I want. I love you... so much."_

 _"I love you, too, Pipes."_

 _"Always and forever?"_

 _Alex smiled and Piper had never seen her more beautiful than right now. "Always and forever."_

-o-o-o-

Piper laid in her bed wearing the last shirt she saw Alex wearing before she left for work that day. It hadn't been washed but it made it even better because this way, she could _still_ smell Alex. She could pretend that Alex was _still_ here with her. But it wasn't the case and it hurt her even more deeply, the pain slashing its way through her chest, leaving her numb except for the torturous feeling of Alex's absence.

She then looked at the floss wrapped around her finger, as she remembered the promise Alex gave her along with it, for them to be together _for the rest of their lives_. She hadn't worn it again ever since Alex gave it to her, afraid that she might lose it but right now Piper wanted to do anything just so she could to feel Alex again.

But this was the rest of their lives. This was the rest of Piper's life. And Alex's wasn't with her right now. "You fucking liar," Piper heard herself say and it was the first thing she's spoken in a while.

It had been so many days, Piper couldn't be bothered to count, and yet she still felt as if it was just yesterday when she held Alex's lifeless body, tears obscuring her sight, screams and cries coming out of her mouth.

What made it even worse was the last time she saw Alex, she told her to get out and even if Piper never meant any of it, she hated to think that the last memory Alex had of her was Piper wanting her out of her life when it was the very opposite of that that Piper needed. She needed Alex in her life, every second of it and there was nothing Piper wanted right now than to turn back time and change everything that had happened on that horrible, _horrible_ , day.

But there was nothing she could do but blame herself over and over again for what happened.

So Piper did the only other thing she could do, basically _nothing_. She stayed in her bed all day, refused to go anywhere but her and Alex's bed, wearing the raven-haired woman's shirt, clutching her pillow so tightly Piper could barely breathe. It was the closest thing she had to feel Alex's again and it wasn't enough. It was _never_ going to be enough.

She didn't talk, because the only person she wanted to talk to was Alex. Nicky had tried and failed repeatedly, and Piper wished she would just stop because she was just wasting her time. Piper only wanted Alex, and _she wasn't here._

She didn't eat, because the first time she did ever since _it_ happened, she ended up throwing everything up, feeling sick to her stomach that she chose to eat alone when she should have been eating with Alex _._ But again, _Alex wasn't here._

She also didn't sleep, because every time she did, she could see Alex's face. Alex talking. Alex pissed off. Alex smiling. Alex laughing. Alex excited. Alex dancing goofily just to make Piper laugh. Alex living. But it wasn't just that, because there was also one other thing Piper could see: Alex _not breathing_.

It hurt and every second that passed was worse than the second before and Piper was slowly losing the will to live and the need to find any reason to do so. She had never imagined a life without Alex because she never really intended to have _one without her._ And it was taking her too much not to just _give up_ and succumb to the darkness that was quickly revolving itself around her.

Piper hadn't been crying for days now. She wasn't sure if she's just become too numb or if there really was no tears left. But when she looked at her ring finger again, the floss-turned-ring wrapped around it, reminding her of one of the happiest days of her life, reality suddenly hit her and the tears had started flowing again. And this time, it didn't feel like it was stopping anytime soon.

"Alex... I don't wanna live like this anymore. I love you so much. Please just come back to me. Please."

And it was that way that Piper fell asleep for the first time in a while, exhaustion finally taking its toll on her body. She fell asleep whispering Alex's name as if it was the last thing she could do. She fell asleep wishing for things to go back to the way they were, tears staining Alex's pillow, Alex's absence staining her heart.

And it was such a dreamless sleep that Piper forgot her reality for a second when she opened her eyes again.

But maybe, _just maybe_ , she was still sleeping and this was her dream.

Because Alex was standing in her doorway, smiling at her looking every bit of a beautiful goddess that Piper loved so, so much.

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

Guest (omg it's 5am), Guest (wtfwtfwtfwtf), Cleothenerd, Kojojo, Guest (This is where), CosmoKiwi, Guest (That was an amazing), Guest (update soon please), guest (love the story), Anon, Oitnbisamaze, RJVause, melroihag, VKA249, Cigarjoey, Librarybook, WB79, pffffuhsuh4u, ILoveSweden, jellybean, mca


End file.
